The opinion of others

In general, I believe we should stay away from generalisations: we are all so special in our own way that no truth is true for all. That being said, I can think of one exception. One statement I feel comfortable making about all of us:

We all want to be loved.

For some, the word loved might feel too strong; for others although it may not be false, it could not seem as true, considering they already are loved. But all of us, one way or another, hope to be worthy of love and appreciation.

Man naturally desires, not only to be loved, but to be lovely; or to be that thing which is the natural and proper object of love. He naturally dreads, not only to be hated, but to be hateful; or to be that thing which is the natural and proper object of hatred.

Adam Smith - The theory of Moral sentiments

Adam Smith believed that we share both the sentiment of wanting to be lovely and loved. I think of it this way: We want others to find us lovely (worthy of their love) and to love us. Just being loved without others finding us worthy of their love isn’t sufficient; and likewise just being found lovely but not being loved is equally as disappointing. This, in my opinion, is at the core of why we care so deeply about the opinion of others.The opinion of others comes as a calibration of our loveliness. The opinion of others helps us adjust and find ways to better connect and fit in. The opinion of others can be soft and kind - warming and empowering. Bit is can also weight on us and make us spiral. It is both one of the most beautiful signs of our intention to live in community and one of the clear threats to be able to do so harmoniously.

Why do I care about the opinion of others?

In a way wanting to be loved is natural and inspiring. Wanting to be loved speaks to a desire to belong and a natural instinct to do good in order to feel good.We care about what others think of us because we were born into this dynamic. We were brought into life by a mother who was to nurture and feed us out of pure love. Depending on a caregiver meant that how they perceived us determined our likelihood to survive.As we grow older and become independent, we start joining and forming communities and finding connections with kindred souls: our family, our friends, our first-grade class, our swimming squad. We no longer need the opinion of others directly to survive, but indirectly we rely on it to form these connections and be stronger, connected and protected.Overtime we practice listening carefully and caring deeply about the opinion of others. We slowly develop our ways to interpret and process them; and we unconsciously devise strategies to continue to receive the feedback that makes us feel whole, those opinions that celebrate us and praise who we are.
Is it wrong to care about what others think?
Listening to the opinion of others can keep us engaged and connected, it can make us feel motivated and proud. Caring for the opinion of others is also a way of empathy, thinking on behalf of others, putting ourselves in their shoes and trying to imagine what they might think of us. Empathy is a way to connect and form bonds. So no, it’s not wrong, and it’s not uncommon.
Part of wanting to be loved is looking for evidence such as moments in which we are loved, hoping for moments in which we are heard, and seeking connections that make us feel understood. And although there is nothing hurtful about that, we can often fall into the trap of finding it acceptable to label ourselves as “people pleasers” - a title that should not be hung lightly around anyone’s neck. Because that is only a facade meant to shy away from the truth that we don’t know how to find ourselves worthy of love without the validation of others.

How to not care about the opinion of others
So even if it’s not wrong to care, our attention to external validation can be misguided.When best managed we listen to the opinion of others, even when harsh, as a way to reflect after having been offered a new perspective, and decide what type of person we want to be. When managed properly we listen to the opinion of others and we find comfort in knowing others care enough to tell us their truth about us, but we don’t change in order to please or meet their expectations if it doesn’t fit what we believe is right and lovely in our core.The unhealthy alternative can be one where we start imagining others think little of us and we tune into our fear of being left out, abandoned, and unworthy. This fear triggers an anxious behaviour where we constantly look for evidence to prove we are right: that we are indeed unworthy. This can make us overly aware of others’ comment and body language and can lead to misinterpretations. This is also our mind in overdrive, working extra shifts to keep track of what signals we should be picking up on, which in turn makes us exhausted. This is when we start “taking things personally”.Ironically when we are guided by this fear of rejection we also find it hard to believe we are indeed worthy of love and even when given compliments and praise we can find those unsettling. Which in turn can push away those that do care for us and find us lovely.

What to do instead?

The most important thing to do is to remind yourself that you are worthy of others’ love and appreciation. Your actions can guide you and make you more or less liked by others, but you, your essence and personality have the right to be loved for who you are. Nurture love and appreciation for yourself. Find moments to celebrate you internally, and practice using kind words when speaking to yourself when you make a mistake. The second thing you can do is to think of other people’s opinion as rationally as possible, detaching the thought from any judgement of how worthy or unworthy you are. You can ask yourself: what evidence have I got to believe this opinion is true? And if it were, do I want to do anything about it? If yes, what can I do about it? Make a plan and make the change.

You can also triage the feedback and opinions you get and put some of it in the “act” pile, some in the “consider” pile and the remaining in the “discard” pile. One way to know whether to consider or discard is to analyse what is the impact if you don’t act on this? and also think of who gave you this feedback and how much their opinion on this subject matters. Are they experts? Are they role models? Are they directly impacted? And is this opinion even useful?

Tune into connecting with the people that do matter. If their opinion is something that you wish to take into consideration then ask for advice to act upon this change and find strength in the fact you are acting on it, because you are worthy of admiration.
As a final thought, please remember that in a moment of crisis, the opinion of others’ can make us feel angry or hurt, but this may be evidence that you actually don’t wish to belong to this group of people and that it is time for you to move on. Remember that someone’s opinion of you says more about them than it does about you, so listen in. What is it telling you about who they are. After reminding yourself you are strong and kind, intelligent and lovely, and having reflected on what matters to you, do you wish to stay close and change for this person, or do you wish to be loved elsewhere?

Because you are loved, and you should not be treated as anything else than lovely.